I consider myself the world’s most prominent Pokemon scientist. I’m not named after a tree, but other than that, I fit the bill perfectly. I’ve studied which Pokemon would win in a fight – not a Pokemon battle, a hand-to-hand fist fight – as well as which starters taste the best, which Pokemon would be the best to take to bed, and which Pokemon is the hottest. Amazingly, those latter two were not the same study and didn’t yield the same results. With that in mind, I thought I’d go back to the Pokemon labs for another investigation – who would be the best Pokemon to take on a date?
There are a few things to consider here. The best Pokemon in bed was based entirely around snuggling, hence why Shaymin, with it’s huggable shape, was the victor. As for ‘hottest’, that came down to the popularity of Pokemon in a certain fanart community, and the types of things depicted in these works of art, presumably drawn with one hand, were not suitable for any date I’ve ever been on.
Anyway, on with the study, and the Pokemon I would gladly take on a date. Mostly, I’ll be sticking with Human-Like Pokemon, with a couple of choice exceptions. I’m definitely not going on a date with, like, Beedrill though.
First up, Florges. Pretty obvious, but flowers are a must-have for a date. Personally, I don’t like flowers very much. Like, initially getting them is nice, but then what? Here’s some plants. Hold them. Take them home and put them on a shelf until they rot. No thanks. With Florges though, the flower is built-in. No messing around, the flower and the date is one whole thing. The experiment is a success – Florges makes a good date.
Another Pokemon I tried a date with in the name of science was Machamp. With four strong arms, you’ll always feel safe wrapped up in Machamp, and he can hug you, hold you hand, and link arms all at once. He’s also very well equipped at pulling out the chair for you at the restaurant. Unfortunately, as has always been my experience with ice cream cone shaped men who walk around like they’re carrying carpets, he ends up in a fight with a coked up wide boy by the end of the night, and I sneak out alone, trying to hide my face. Experiment failed.
Everyone wants a goth girlfriend, so naturally the experiment included a rendezvous with Gothitelle. While the first two dates took place at fancy restaurants, Gothitelle instead insisted on a grungy bar with dim lights and loud music. She didn’t seem to be enjoying it, so in my naturally awkward way, I asked her if she was having a good time. She stared at me with her dead eyes and said “Yeah.” I took it as a no. The results of this experiment were inconclusive.
Next up was Toxtricity. I thoroughly recommend everyone go on one and only one date with Toxtricity. He took me to see “this really cool band,” then disappeared on me. Turns out it was his band. So I was stood there on my date, alone, waiting for him to get off work so we could resume. Of course, this meant the rest of the date took place backstage surrounded by… um… Stardust, and before I knew it, it was 4am and we were being kicked out of the club. Maybe I’d have had more luck with the Low Key Form.
You ever dated a sports guy before? I have, and his name was Cinderace. Spent the whole date talking about how next year was gonna be his year and how Coach was singling him out just because he turned up to practise late that one time… on top of those three more times. Do not recommend.
Obviously, given her rampant popularity in the fanart, I couldn’t leave out Gardevoir. She is charming, sweet, and talkative, but ultimately very dull. I suppose a date with Gardevoir could never live up to the hype, but despite my love for Gardevoir she just comes across as very boring. I’m sure she will make some Pokemon professor very happy someday, but it won’t be me.
Finally, Tsareena. Anyone who knows me will be unsurprised that Tsareena made the list, and unlike Gardevoir, she lives up to the hype. Much like Florges, she is a built-in flower, but she’s so much more. She’s everything you want in a dateable Pokemon. She’s dressed for the nightlife in those boots, and she always looks stylish and sophisticated. Her look is as at home ordering $60 lobster as it is ordering $2 shots. You get the excitement of Toxtricity without the self-indulgence, and the confidence of Machamp offset by the togetherness of Gardevoir. She is, scientifically, the best Pokemon to take on a date.
This concludes our experiment and dooms me to be forever known as the journalist who wrote 800 words on why they wanted to date a Pokemon. Tsareena, call me.
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